*published June 9, 2005
All of the creatures in our house were obtained for Marcus. He asked for a kitten, so we got Katy. Then he wanted a dog, so Mikey came. I put my foot down when he asked for a snake, but I compromised on a gecko. His name was Ben until we found out it was a girl; now we call her Benita, which doesn’t matter since she never comes when she’s called. And we have gone through our share of fish, the last being Rocky the goldfish who is buried under the lavender plant.
We have friends who are not pet people. I feel badly about exposing them to our little Wild Kingdom so I clean frantically before they visit. Then we have the friends who like pets, but also like their antiques and polished wood floors. So they have the dog who is only allowed in the kitchen and the cat who lives in the laundry room. Unfortunately, I can’t set those boundaries, so I have to clean before they come over, too.
I clean for days, trying to get every scrap of hair out of everything. After washing the throw pillows and vacuuming one more time, the furniture looks good – until Mikey and Katy decide to play tag, running over the sofa, knocking the pillows to the floor and leaving clumps of hair on the cushions. What really hurts is the way they look at me and laugh when they do it.
Here’s a simple test to see if you are a pet person, a non-pet person, or a pet-with-caveats person:
1. Is Tri-City Pet Hospital on your speed dial?
2. When you plan a vacation, do you calculate the charges for boarding Muffy before your flight and hotel room?
3. Do you avoid vacations unless you can take Muffy with you?
4. Do your pets all have Christmas stockings? Even the fish?
5. Do they all have treats in them on Christmas morning (yes, even the fish)?
6. Do you find yourself telling cute stories about your cat, even though you have a darling toddler?
7. Do you tell more cat than toddler stories?
8. Can you catch a cricket in your hands to feed to your lizard without flinching?
9. When the electricity goes out in your house, is your first thought, “oh my god, the fish filter!”?
10. Do you let your dog give you kisses, even though you know what else he’s licked?
If you answered “yes” to three of these questions, you’re a pet person. If you answered “yes” to one and “maybe” to two of the questions, you’re the pet-with-caveats type. And if you answered, “heck no” to all of the questions, you should stick to pet rocks.
So if you’re a pet person, you will feel right at home in the Carlines’ four-legged madness. For all others, we will try to be sensitive to your needs. Mikey can go to the backyard if dogs frighten you, and we’ll try to keep Katy off of your lap if you’re a cat hater. If reptiles give you the willies, just don’t look at Benita.
At the end of the evening, we’ll even brush the extra hair off of your clothes before we wish you a safe journey home.